attempting to dump Jane but she won’t accept it. In the same
bar, Patrick is trying to dump Susan, but she humiliates him
by saying she didn’t really think they were actually going
out together. Jane and Steve have a short-term but very
physical reconciliation in the ladies’ toilet. Steve bursts
out of the cubicle to get a condom, trips over, and lands at
Susan’s feet. They’ve met before - she’s a workmate of
Steve’s best friend, Jeff. Neglecting to tell her that he
has another girlfriend locked in the cubicle, Steve asks
On their first date, all their friends find a reason to tag
along too: Jeff, in mortal terror that they will talk about
him; Jane, still under the illusion that she’s Steve’s
girlfriend; Patrick and Susan’s best friend Sally, on a
rebound date. Having tricked Susan into showing them one of
her breasts, the six sit down to dinner.
Steve prepare to go on their first date (or at least, their
first date without their friends gatecrashing.) Susan
suggests that she’ll cook, sparking debate as to whether
that means she’s inviting Steve to have sex too.
Susan tells Sally - and Steve - that Patrick is particularly
well-endowed. This leaves Sally with a tricky dilemma: she’s
always sworn never to have sex with a Tory, but Patrick is a
very big boy... Meanwhile, Steve is increasingly intimidated
by Patrick’s huge reputation, until Susan finally puts him
When her aunt
dies, Jane insists that Steve comes with her to the funeral.
So far, so good, until Jane adds that this would be a bad
time to tell her family that they've split up.
Understandably, Susan won’t let Steve go unless she comes
too, so that she can keep an eye on them. She brings Patrick
as her date, Patrick brings Sally, and Jeff comes too on the
grounds that he’s the only one who actually knew the
Paranoia about inappropriate behaviour ensues, until Jane
breaks the tension by laughing during the minute’s silence.
Meanwhile, Jeff fights interview nerves by imagining
everyone naked. This backfires somewhat when he walks
confidently into his interview, only to be confronted by his
reflection in a mirror - naked.
plunged into total panic when he suspects that Susan has
found one of his porn videos. To fill the embarrassing
silence, he tells her he loves her, but Susan is well-aware
that he was merely panicking.
Susan invites all the friends over for a dinner party. Jane
brings her therapist, Jill, who everyone assumes is there as
Jane's date. In front of everyone, Susan insists that Steve
justify his passion for the offending porn film, Lesbian
Spank Inferno. In his impassioned defence of the male
sex, Steve accidentally tells Susan that he really does love
With Two Breasts
Jeff and co.
can’t take their eyes of a beautiful stranger in their local
bar. And the girl can't take her eyes off Jeff. Jeff goes
over to talk to her, only to discover that she doesn’t speak
a word of English, which to Jeff of course is quite a
relief. Her interpreter, Alice, tells Jeff she’s Israeli,
then whisks her away.
The next day the girl is back and Jeff attempts to chat her
up. With neither speaking a word of the other’s language, it
is an utter disaster. The girl is led to believe that Jeff
fancies Alice, not her. Jeff is led to believe that 'Shadayim'
is the girl’s name, when in fact it’s Hebrew for 'breast'.
The heartbroken girl reluctantly arranges for Alice to meet
Jeff at the bar the next day. When Jeff says to Alice, 'I’m
sorry, I was expecting Shadayim,' the flat-chested Alice
punches him in the face.
Cupboard of Patrick's Love
When Jane goes
round to Patrick’s flat unannounced, 'to heal our spiritual
divide', she discovers that he has a cupboard full of
videos. Videos he’s made of him making love to various
women. Word gets round, and Susan visits Patrick to ask him
never to show 'her' film to anyone.
She’s too late: Patrick, Steve, Jeff and Sally are all
watching it already. Even worse: the woman in the film isn’t
even her, and nobody noticed. Patrick has taped over her.
Furious with everyone in the room, she tells Steve that it’s
all over between them. The next day she goes over to Steve’s
flat and asks him to propose to her. Unfortunately, the
moment is somewhat spoilt by the fact that Jeff is lurking
in Steve’s bed.
The Man With Two Legs
fallen in love with a woman who gets on his train every
morning. By the time he gets a chance to speak to her he is
in such a state of hyper-tension that he manages to blurt
out that he’s only got one leg. Chrissie is enchanted,
thinking Jeff is very brave.
She introduces him to her brother, who is an amputee, and
his disability support group. She also offers Jeff a night
of passion with her and her gorgeous flatmate, and a whole
load of saucy lingerie. A weeping Jeff begs Sally’s new
boyfriend to chop his leg off.
Susan are watching a documentary on telly, and the narrator
says that all men masturbate, even if they are in a stable
relationship. This sends Steve into a new realm of
Susan’s parents, who are notoriously frank in discussing
matters of a sexual nature, arrive for supper. In his
paranoia, Steve imagines that they are taunting him about
his masturbatory habits, and furiously asks them to leave.
Meanwhile, Patrick has tracked down a vibrator that an old
girlfriend modelled on his own member. He presents a
gift-wrapped copy to Steve, who then innocently passes it on
to Susan’s Mum as a peace offering.
project is to choose some furniture for the flat that she
and Steve will share together. Against the backdrop of
selecting fabrics, the truth slowly emerges about a deep
mystery: why Steve and Sally have suddenly started acting so
Steve went to Susan’s flat unannounced and saw Sally
emerging from the shower. That was a forgivable accident -
but why did Sally then remove the towel and ask Steve
whether he found her attractive? Her excuse takes everyone
by surprise: she needed reassurance because she’d just been
to bed with Patrick. And for the first time ever, Junior
Patrick had failed to jump to attention.
resist the idea of Patrick the human tripod any longer. She
suggests that they finally get it together. Bizarrely, and
for the first time in his life, Patrick finds himself unable
to perform. Sally is convinced that she has become repellent
to men, and confronts Patrick in a desperate attempt to
reclaim her self-respect. Either he admits that she is
hideous, or he admits that he is impotent. Patrick suggests
a third way: they should just have sex.
Both have terrible second thoughts. Sally worries that she
is putting Patrick through agonies just to boost her
self-esteem. Meanwhile, Patrick struggles with ‘The Melty
Man’ - the embodiment of impotence. Both of them realise the
unthinkable: the real problem is that they actually care
about each other. Patrick is triumphantly standing to
attention, but Sally has slipped out of the flat without
the Truth Snake
Jeremy sacks her from her job reporting traffic jams after
she instructs London’s drivers to close their eyes and
meditate. A distraught Jane attempts suicide with some pills
she was given at a party. In her addled state she creates a
pink sock puppet called Jake the Snake, who always tells the
Having said some truly appalling things to Sally, Susan and
Steve, Jane uses Jake to insult Jeremy too. He declares
she’ll never work for the station again, but the public send
in so many letters of support that Jane is reinstated.
Meanwhile, Patrick is about to dump his latest girlfriend,
Linda, because she’s ruled out the possibility of having a
threesome. She announces that she’s changed her mind, and
Patrick rushes back to her flat in anticipation. His
disappointment is hard to hide when Linda introduces him to
his new playmate for the evening: Jeff.
anniversary of Steve and Susan’s first date and they are
going to a posh restaurant to celebrate. Inevitably,
speculation mounts that Steve may propose to Susan. While
Jeff and Patrick advise him, Jane and Sally get drunk and
miserable at the prospect of being left on the shelf
Some hurtful comments from Jane make Susan feel insecure, so
she begins to view a meal in the restaurant as some sort of
military campaign to get Steve to prove he prefers her to
Jane. Wearing a gorgeous dress, she tries some desperate
measures to arouse Steve, and finally dupes him into
admitting he wants to marry her.
invited round to dinner by Bill, a good-looking man she met
in the bar. She decides to make a lasting impression by
turning up wearing nothing underneath her cute little
trenchcoat. Unfortunately, on arrival she discovers not a
romantic dinner for two, but a dozen other guests.
Meanwhile, Patrick is locked in insane competition with
Ivan, an acquaintance from work. Ivan has a glamorous trophy
wife, so Patrick decides he needs one too, just for the
evening. He recruits Sally for the part, then changes his
mind and claims Susan for his 'bride' (he 'needed a
blonde'). Seeing Susan pretending to be Patrick’s wife
finally makes Steve’s mind up for him: he proposes to Susan
in front of the whole group, and she accepts.
finally found his female counterpart, a woman who can’t help
blurting out ridiculous things if she's attracted to
someone. It seems that their mutual uselessness will prevent
either of them from asking each other out. To make matters
worse, Julia is a senior manager at his firm. After a
sequence of typical Jeff blunders, he is in despair. Steve
comes to the rescue and tells Julia that Jeff is in fact
very keen on her.
Julia kisses Jeff and he thinks that his luck has at last
changed. She leads him blindfolded into a conference room,
and Jeff assumes that she has lured him there to have sex.
He does an ecstatic strip tease. Unfortunately, Julia was
leading him into his surprise birthday party. Everyone files
out in mortified silence but Julia makes amends by doing a
private striptease of her own for Jeff.
The End of
Susan’s relationship is drifting into a new phase. They are
beginning to get on each other’s nerves. A bizarre set of
misunderstandings brings on a crisis.
Susan’s phone is accidentally swapped with Jeff’s, resulting
in Susan finding out that Steve gave his number to a girl he
met in the bar. It seems that the honeymoon is over and
Susan walks out of the flat in tears. Is this the end of the
begins where it left off at the end of series 2 - Steve and
Susan have had an argument about their future, and Susan
storms out of Steve's flat in tears. The screen splits into
two and we follow what happens to both Steve and Susan
While Steve tries repeatedly to ring Susan, his courage
failing ever time, the girls are locked in a debate over the
merits of 1471, and what it means if the phone "chirps".
Eventually the tension at both ends of the phone gets too
much. The boys and the girls set out for "the Temple of
Woman': the girls' case, a beauty salon; in the boys' case,
a lap dancing club.
Steve gets hideously drunk, and phones Susan as soon as he
gets home, pleading that she come back to him. She does just
Jane and Jeff
are both having difficulty keeping the faith.
Jeff is sent into a spiral of tension when his attractive
colleague, Wilma, asks him out for a drink. Is Wilma about
to make a move on him, or does she just want to be friends?
If she's interested in his arse, then surely he shouldn't be
talking to her, what with him having a girlfriend. But to
refuse the date would be to assume that Wilma fancied him,
and she certainly hasn't made that clear. Unable to face
this challenge alone, Jeff rigs up his mobile phone for the
date, so that his friends can hear his conversation with
Wilma, and give him advice. Wilma puts her cards on the
table straight away: she fancies Jeff and she wants to know
if he fancies her too…
Meanwhile Jane is thrilled by the arrival of a new member of
staff at the station, right from the moment he smoothly
parks his huge, red sports car into a tight little hole. Mmm.
Jane is not the sort of girl to be put off by the fact that
James is the station's religious broadcaster, nor by the
further complication that their first date is at a Christian
discussion group. Hope begins to fade when James tells her
that he doesn't believe in sex before marriage (although
Jane does helpfully offer to take her top off if that will
ease the situation). Despite this inauspicious beginning,
James gives Jane a passionate kiss. Why is he bothering with
her? Because he has faith.
We pick up the
action where we left off at the end of the last episode:
with Jeff trying to work out how (or even whether) to refuse
unconditional sex with Wilma. Meanwhile, his friends are
still listening and offering advice via the mobile phone.
Jeff is no match in this debate for "devil woman" Wilma. She
knows every argument that Susan (the expert in getting her
own way) has ever used. Jeff paints himself into a
terrifyingly extreme conversational corner, until he blurts
out that the reason he can't have sex with Wilma is that his
girlfriend is dead.
Wilma drives Jeff home, but decides to try once more to
seduce him when they get to his flat. Unfortunately, Jeff's
girlfriend, Julia, has been struck down by flu and is asleep
in Jeff's bed. Seeing Julia's bare feet poking out from the
duvet, Wilma makes the not-too-far-fetched assumption that
this strange man who can't stop talking about his dead
girlfriend has in fact just killed her. Wilma flees the
flat, and Jeff says to Steve, "well, I think that basically
surprised to say the least when Patrick arrives at her flat
at three in the morning to get rid of a spider for her. It
turns out that he dreamt her distress call. What can this
mean? Does Patrick subconsciously want to protect Sally?
More shockingly, does Patrick have a subconscious?
Encouraged by their friends, Sally and Patrick independently
tell the story of how they first met. It was at Susan's
office party. The attraction was instant. Sally got horribly
drunk and the two of them had a romantic embrace in the
cloakroom. We see the scene from both points of view: the
inebriated Sally believed she was acting cool when she gave
Susan's phone number to Patrick. Sober Patrick actually
remembers that it was Sally's number he was asking for.
Back in the present, the pair are troubled by the fact that
they have got close, and yet never seem to get any closer.
Nothing is ever going to happen between them now. Patrick
and Sally agree to see less of each other.
Freckle, The Key, And The Couple Who Weren't
suffering from a bout of hypochondria, thanks to the
discovery of a mole on his bottom. This leads to a bitter
argument with Susan, about how well the pair can remember
each other's blemishes. Steve feels hurt that Susan can't
remember if the mole is new, and Susan becomes paranoid
about the possibility that she too may suffer from freckles
in her otherwise-perfect private regions.
The argument is settled when the gang are introduced to
Jane's new boyfriend, James. It turns out that Jane has
perfect recall of Steve's mole. And it also turns out that
James has perfect recall of Susan's "nether freckling" - the
two of them were briefly an item at university.
Meanwhile, a kinky evening with Julia goes horribly wrong
when Jeff swallows the key to the handcuffs. Things go from
bad to worse when Julia's ex, Joe (a man prone to violence),
turns up at her flat demanding to see her. Jeff narrowly
avoids being beaten to a pulp, but his heart is in even
greater danger of being broken than his bones. It seems that
there's a lot of unfinished business between Julia and Joe.
With One Heart
invited everyone over for dinner, which as we know is just
asking for trouble.
Steve is particularly worried because Susan has recently
redecorated the bathroom, and removed the lock, thus robbing
him of his Fortress of Solitude. Sally's worry is that
Patrick is bringing his new girlfriend: she's frightened
that she will overcompensate her feelings of hostility
towards her new rival by being embarrassingly nice. Patrick
dimly perceives there might be a problem, so has told
Jennifer that Sally is a lesbian.
Jennifer turns out to be Sally's worst nightmare: "slim and
interesting." She pays Jennifer so many compliments that
Jennifer assumes Sally is making a pass at her. Over dinner,
Sally is horrified to discover that Jennifer thinks she is a
lesbian. She furiously blurts out, in front of everyone,
that it's Patrick she's mad about, not Jennifer. Ouch.
terrified that she might be pregnant, so she takes a
pregnancy test and asks the other girls to do the same so
that she knows what a negative result looks like. In her
fluster she gets the tests muddled up. One of the girls is
pregnant, but which one?
Is it Sally? Well, she did have sex with awful Peter on the
night that Patrick came to save her from the non-existent
Is it Jane? Well, with James away, she was so desperate for
sex that she even briefly toyed with the idea of doing it
with Jeff. But the pizza delivery man was on hand, so to
speak. So, yes, it could be Jane.
Is it Susan? She reveals that she has recently discovered
she has a medical problem which prevents her from having
children. It would take a miracle for her to be pregnant.
Patrick asks Sally to meet him at the bar, where he tells
her that he does in fact love her. Jane spoils the romantic
mood by bursting in, proclaiming joyously, "I'm not
pregnant!" Sally is devastated. Then Susan arrives with a
new bombshell. A miracle has happened. She and Steve are
expecting a baby.
Nine and a Half Minutes
One bar, three different points of view, the same nine and a
half minutes. Susan and Steve are now pregnant (well, mostly
Susan); Patrick and Sally are discussing commitment (well,
mostly Sally) and there's this guy called Oliver who has a
blind date with Jane. But is his job going to be a problem?
Late at night and a phone call that
Will Not Die. You know how sometimes you can't get someone
off the phone? There are too many people in this phone call.
And one of them isn't really there.
Meanwhile, in the skies above an Aegean island, terrible
danger grows. Featuring hot girl on girl action with Gina
Bellman and Sarah Alexander.
Meanwhile, Susan is worried
she's turning into an emotional tent; she and Steve are now
well and truly an item - so why is he dreaming about being
executed by a method Never Before Seen on British Television
- and chased by a foetus with an axe?
Since the dawn
of time, men and women have been falling in love - and men
have been trying to get straight home afterwards. Can
Patrick ever find his way home from the Enchanted Glade of
his one true love and get a decent night's kip?
It's time to
start attending antenatal classes. Susan need a back-up
birth partner, Steve is haunted by the ghost of spanking
lesbians past and Sally is seeking the solace of a string
quartet. Meanwhile, Jane is trying to find a way to out-keen
Is it possible
that life-time loser in love Oliver might just get somewhere
with life-time loser in love Jane? Trouble is, how can you
win the heart of a good woman, when your flat is a little
'un-edited', and your living room has lost the battle with
and a Half Months
night before the birth of his first child, Steve is visited
by an old friend. Or possibly an old maths teacher…
Meanwhile, someone is trying to get into Jane's flat, and an
extraordinary secret is lurking inside the cupboard of